Film Reviews

Casino Royale ****

2006-11-19T01:09:00.000-07:00

Casino Royale is the awesomest James Bond movie ever. I have seen like 10 of them so far and Goldeneye and Gold finger were the two best ones i thought. I was a little skeptical about this one since it did not have gold in the title and they got rid of remington steele. mr steele looked fat and old in the matador so i guess thats why they got rid of him. My mom always liked that show, but I thought it was kinda repetitive so I did nto care much when they got rid of mr steele. I looked up the new guy and he was in layer cake, which i thought was kinda boring. this movie is wya not boring. at the very beginning layer cake is in black and white and fights super loud and awesome in a bathroom then he chases after some guy for like days and never gets tired, even though he breaks through walls and jumps and runs and spins and dodges bullets. and! right after that he has to go on two crazy missions in a row with guns and bombs and american police, which is crazy for him because layer cake is british. I guess he got tired after all of this because then the movie slows down and he drives a way cool car after a stupid ford and some really old car. He kisses some girl all over like he always does and then plays cards for a long time. i am glad that lots of cool chases and explosions and guns happened before the cards and kissing because it all drags a little, but then it gets super cool and suspensful in between card playing. Plus a lot of times when Layer Cake and the girl are together, the audience laughed so you know this movie was funny too. Anyway cards is over thank god and the movie gets kinda confusing and feels like it ends boring and kissy. But it doesnt end! It keeps going and I was like will it ever stop but then it got cool again and I did not want it to stop ever. It finally ends super awesome and we realize layer cake as james bond is a lot more vioolent and killing than the people who played james bond before and the audience is happy about that because guns are cool but beating somebody with your fists is also cool.
I liked this movie a lot, but it did seem slow in parts and while i was watching it, someone was hitting my windshield with a baseball bat and now i have to get a new one which made me sad. I wish I had some of layer cake's guns with silencers to shoot the windshield people with. Until I get some though I will just watch this movie again and again and pretend those guys are the people getting shot.

The Break -Up ***1/2

2006-11-19T00:56:00.000-07:00

I liked this movie and thought it was funny. my girl hated it and said it was sad. it has the good guy from dodge ball and wedding crashers and it has the guy who he was with in swingers and made, which were both awesome movies. so this movie has gotta be awesome too. It also has one of the chicks from friends in it. So friends and dodge ball are a couple and dodge ball only buys a couple of lemons one day when he is supposed to buy more and he wants to watch sports instead of set the table or something so his girl breaks up with him. they have a really good apartment apparently so neither one wants to move out. they stay together for everything like bowling night and game night with their friends, but they are broken up and they keep yelling at each other randomly. they divide the apartment and kinda try to get the other person out, but not stupid like duplex which i hated. anyway dodge ball says lots of funny things, but in his dodge ball way so you miss where to laugh if you dont really like his jokes normally. When he is with his swingers friend he is especially funny, but not as much as he was in swingers or made. One good thing happens when they go to see The Old 97's and they sing that time bomb in my mind mom song which is fun, but it is also a sad scene at the same time. So SOME people dont like this movie because they see funy and sad things next to each other and only end up sad and then the ending pushes them over the edge. I did not think the end was sad if you listen to what dodge ball and friends are saying through the whole thing and know when to laugh. The ending seemed proper to me because no one can live in the same place forever on purpose.
This movie wasnt as funny as swingers or made and it made my girl sadder than happy. dodgeball and friends are always talking about what they dont like in the other person and i do not know why they did not just stop talking to each other. there is a gay guy from best in show in this film. if it had been funnier i would have laughed more and so would everyone else so I only give it 3.5 stars.
You should watch all of dodgeballs other funny movies if you liked this movie.

Returner**

2006-02-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

This movie was real cool in places because it takes the Terminator and Matrix and returns them to Japan where I guess they came from. Then this girl comes and the Returner shoots her while he is in this big gun battle with a blond asian. So the Returner returns her back to his house for some ramen noodles which he loves. The girl tells him that she is from the future but she is not dressed like it. She came back to stop aliens from taking over the wolrd but there is no John Connor. The Returner returns her to a department store so she will look less unfuturistic, but he fails. She walks around putting bombs on everyone's necks, which the Returner can't return to her, and they go off to look for the blond asian. They show saome crazy Starship Trooper battles in the future and then the Returner and his new girlfriend almost kill the green ET. Have you ever seen a John Woo movie from Hong Kong? I have and so did the people in this film. One time I found a Woo DVD real cheap at a Gamestop and I bought it because I have one of those cards they sell. I fell asleep, but I imagine that they had more huge gun battles and some with aliens and Jesus came and healed the green ET and destroyed the bad aliens and gave the Returner an endless supply of ramen noodles because he likes them then Jesus put the blond asian on the TV and he cried because he was bad.

Dreamcatcher **

2005-10-20T20:23:00.000-06:00

Dreamcatcher is only awful because it is two or three different films smashed together with a hammer. Think of half of Stand By Me then just when you get into the story and the characters, a demented projectionist whips out a real of all the battles from Starship Troopers. Nothing is explained for awhile, then Morgan Freeman comes out and says a bunch of stuff really fast which supposedly explains why Starship Troopers started. He suddenly gets thrown into Crimson Tide and you can tell he does not care about the movie anymore or maybe he never did. Then more Starship Troopers battles and it is over.

Envy ***

2004-08-27T18:52:00.000-06:00

This movie is a lot funnier than everyone said it was. Jack Black and Ben work at the same place that makes something. Jack is not as good or important as Ben, but one day he invents some spray that makes poo disappear into thin air called Vapoorize. He offers to give half to Ben, but he says no, and Jack becomes rich. He still lives right across the street from Ben though. So Ben gets jealous, and does something to Jack's stuff, and then he meets the guy from Suicide Kings and Pulp Ficiton who had the watch up his butt. He helps him cover it up, and he is the funniest part of the movie but not even in the commercials. They get into some adventures that are almost as great as I Love Lucy stuff. If you like that kind of thing, then you might laugh a couple of times during the middle of this movie.

There is some guy who sings songs throughout the movie, and the songs are about the movie sort of like Something About Mary, but not always, because the Four Tops sing in French or Italian or something once. The DVD makes it sound like there is a featurette about the movie, but there is a just a page of words to read, and I stopped it. So I give this movie 3 out of 5 stars because it is very funny, but sort of predictable in places and a little too wacky someimtes.

The Incredibles ****

2004-06-06T19:00:00.000-06:00

Coach was a pretty good show, and Dauber and Luther were hilarious. Coach is the dad in the Incredibles, Luther and Dauber are nowhere to be found. At first Coach and his wife aren't married and people drive around in Dick Tracy cars. Coach is a superhero named Mr. Incredible and he gets sued by someone he was trying to save. He must no longer be a superhero because of this which is uncool. He should have sued the guy back for making him lose his job. He has to get married since he no longer has a job, and they have kids who have super powers too. The rest of the movie is like Spy Kids 4 but better. There is a huge adventure, and I wish I had super powers when I was in school. Banky form Chasing Amy is in this movie too as a voice, but I will not tell you who or it would spoil it. Everything is made on the computer by Pixar because the huge robotic spider thing would cost too much money to build in real life. The coolest thing about this DVD was the short about the baby Jack Jack on the second disc, but you can't watch it until you have seen the long film.

The ending introduces a new villain who is really stupid and sets up the film for a sequel. I hate the new villain more than brussel sprouts. I think a hero is only as good as its villain. If the villain is so stupid that I could beat him, then I do not want to watch someone else beat him. I think more family's like the Incredibles and the Cortezes should fight crime together. But I am not sure if there should be evil families too, although the people two houses down are all really mean to everyone, so maybe the evil groups already exist and the good ones need to be started. I give this move 4 out of 5 stars because it is really fun and exciting.

If you like this movie good. Also watch Spy Kids because it is kinda the same story, but with real life and computer life combined.

The Transporter ***

2004-05-21T19:07:00.000-06:00

This movie was awesome! The guy from Snatch has a BMW that looks like some old person's car, but he drives it better than my grandpa would, he is legally blind. The Transporter takes things from place to place in his car really fast for money. In the beginning, there is an awesome chase where some foreign cops in Peugeots don't stand a chance against his tweaked fogey car. He has this cool thing I want to get where he pushes a button and the license plate changes so he can hide from the cops. This works because everyone has the same car as him because except for him and this hot asian chick they are old and foreign. He has to leave his awesome house because he looks in his package. He has all these rules and one is not to look. If he had not broken his own rules, he would still have an awesome house. I think this is the lesson. He can also fight really well. There was this one scene with axes which was Jackie Chan-tastic. There is this other part where he has grease all over him and wears bicycle pedals like sandals to keep his balance while all the goons slip. He kicks them in the face with metal and it is awesome. There could have been more driving, I cried when something bad happened to his rich old man car. The cover of the DVD is wierd too, because it looks like he is a dancer with guns or something, not the awesome driver that he is. Anyway this guy lives all by himself like me and has ramen noodles like me and one time soda saved his life.

Life should be like this movie. At some point people should realize that their jobs and stuff are not all there is to life, break some of their own rules, get a fine asian chick and take off on an adventure where they fight everyone but kill no one. Once they find love and finish their wandering adventure, they can maybe get more stuff and a new job if they still want to. Save some Ramen though if you do this, I never saw this guy eat after his house was gone. All the music except the Nate Dogg and Missy Elliott songs was boring or made by an orchestra, I give this movie 3 out of 5 stars.

If you like this movie you should watch Snatch because it has Brad Pitt pretending to be foreign and The Transporter being foreign while people get killed but do not drive much of anywhere.

Small Time Crooks ****

2004-05-05T18:58:00.000-06:00

I thought this movie would be about crooks who steal cookies. I was wrong instead it is about people who do not steal anything and have crazy relationships. It has Wody Allen in it, so I was sort of scared at first, but there are no young girls to get at in it just a bunch of old women. It has that guy from True Romance in it, he is not as good in this one. Everyone calls Woody Allen smart because he wears glasses, but he has to be taught how to be smart later by that guy from Mickey Blue Eyes who acts like he is not even in the mob in this movie. Later on he teaches everyone an important lesson that I don't remember right now. They forget about everyone who calls Woody smart at the beginning, even the True Romance guy, so I do not know what happened to them. Maybe there will be a sequel or a part 2. Some of their stories were probably really interesting too.

I like cookies, and the cherry cookies sound good because I have never had cookies with fruit in them except for oatmeal raisin. Are raisins really fruit though? They have a different name from grapes but everything else is dried whatever. There used to be prunes, but now they are dried plums. When will raisins get to be dried grapes. Since this movie raises thought provoking questions and made me laugh, I give it 4 out of 5 stars.

If you liked this movie, I would suggest watching more. I know I will.

Tigerland ***

2004-04-17T19:01:00.000-06:00

This movie is really cheap at the store. It has the guy from Phonebooth in it and he has some southern accent. I was not surprised to find out that it was another war movie about Vietnam. No one likes phonebooth because he does not want to be there, so they think he has a bad attitude. He can shoot real good, but does not want to kill anyone. He makes fun of his sargeant and othre leaders in boot camp, and some people like him and others hate him for it. One sergeant is really mean to everyone especially the lead private, and he hits him a couple times. They make phonebooth the new lead private, and he is pretty nice to everyone. Phonebooth gets into a fight with another private who tries to shoot him. They separate the two, but that is all. Then they make the privates in phonebooth's platoon go into the jungle with higher ups to find out what it is like. Then phonebooth's platoon and his enemy's platoon meet up and it looks like there will be trouble. This happens twice, and it is real intense. The movie is called Tigerland, and they tell us what that is, but we never go there in the movie. From what they went through just in bootcamp, I do not think it matters.

Big Trouble **

2004-04-06T19:11:00.000-06:00

I like this director, he did Get Shorty and Addams Family which are awesome. This is not Addams Family good. It has Home Improvement in it, who usually makes a movie great, but does not help here. This movie tries to be like Get Shorty kinda, but fails. It has Banky from Chasing Amy, and he plays a guy who looks like Jesus. Jesus goes to a bar and gets in a fight but loses. Then he lives in a tree and gets food from some lady who just got her toes sucked on a few minutes before while the grey haired guy Bones from Get Shorty tries to shoot the toe sucker. See, everything happens real fast in this movie, and it gets really confusing. It is only 85 minuts long. There is a bomb in a suitcase and people with guns on a airplane, so the movie did not come out in theaters when it was supposed to because of the crashed planes of 9/11. There is also a big frog who spits on people and makes them see things, which makes for a really funny part where M***** S******'s head is on a dog and trying to get the toe sucker. There are a lot of sex jokes which some people might find funny, but my friends and I have come up with much better ones. Also everyone meets each other through crazy coincidences which did not seem real. Overall this movie is about a father and son who both want to have sex with chicks, but discover that family is more important. And Home Improvement has to catch a plane on foot.

I was kinda bored at times, and often confused. I just got some new Hot Wheels before I saw this, so I had something to play with when I got bored. Some of the new Hot Wheel designs are really stupid, I have to search to find good ones at Wal-Mart. They used to be an awesome company, I do not know who comes up with their ideas now. I give this movie 2 out of 5 stars, because Home Improvement was funny on occasion, and Jesus was pretty cool.

If you like this movie then stop it and go watch Get Shorty. It is a lot better.

A Hard Day's Night *****

2004-03-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

This movie is about how much fun the Beatles have before they have to give a concert. At the beginning the Beatles have to run forever to get away from a bunch of girls, and this one guy buys milk from a machine, but it is in what looks like a bag I have never seen that, he has such a hard time opening it, that he loses it all. I guess that is why they do not do that anymore. This movie is old and in black and white. they keep saying the little old man is very clean, but he seems to get into and start more trouble than the Beatles ever do together. I learned the word cheeky in this movie. I think it meets smartalic, but they never say. The Beatles sing anywhere they find themselves. It would be kinda annoying to live near them if they woke up late at night alot. they go to a club where they play their records for people to dance to, and it is some wierd dancing. People jump up in the air and stand in one place just shaking and wiggling. There is a really funny part where one of them is in the bathtub playing with ships among a real high wall of bubbles. They have to go to practice for a TV show, but the guy throws them out and they go play in a field and make a music video. I guess because they are so rich they can do anything anywhere. After that they practice what they are going to do on TV, then I think they had too much sugar because they just start saying crazy stuff and I did not understand it, but it was funny. Then the little old man makes Ringo go off on his own and just the music to some Beatles song plays, but I do not know what. I am glad that I am not famous because he cannot even try to take pictures without people bothering him. The cops get him and do not know who he is so he gets in trouble. Then they all have to help and it is another good song and a music video in the streets. Finally they give their TV performance, and it is just okay compared to everything before.

The Beatles look like they were really popular in this movie. I asked my mom because she is old, and she said none of her friends were really like this about the Beatles. I wonder if anyone is this popular now. I do not watch much TV, so I do not even know who is popular right now. I hope they make a sequel to this movie or one like it about the Rolling Stones. I like their music too. Compared to something like Korn I do not know how people could call this music wild or rocking at all. Old people sure were wierd back then. Anyway this movie is really funny and I like the music, but they only play Beatles songs. This movie is also really short and you can watch it anytime even in the bathroom. So I give this film 5 out of 5 stars.

If you liked this movie you could watch Yellow Submarine with the Beatles as cartoons, but that movie was confusing to me. Instead you should watch a Marx Brothers movie like Duck Soup, because those are really funny and have lots of songs too.

Ocean's Twelve ***1/2

2004-03-17T19:08:00.000-07:00

Ocean's Eleven is one of my favorite movies, so I could not wait to see the sequel, but I had to. Somehow they got everyone to come back for this one, and that was cool of them. They introduce what everyone has done after the last movie, and start this one three years later. The bad guy from the last movie comes back at the beginning and demands his money back from everyone with interest, but most of them already spent a bunch of it, so they have to steal money again to pay the guy back. If that continued they could make these forever. Brad Pitt and Clooney let Bourne be in on their deals, and the scene is almost as funny as the poker scene in the first one. After that it is just Brad and Clooney who run things again. Several people disappear almost immediately, and it is Ocean's 6.5 for awhile. There is a fairly large joke with the chick which I thought was pretty funny, but other people on the internet thought it was dumb. I will not ruin it for you, but it has another famous person who should be in the next one as number 13. Everyone except the hilarious Bernie Mac comes back to get a lot more screen time. There is also this laser dance which is really stupid and way too long.

When I was in school I got in trouble for stealing some stuff from this guy I hated. I had to give it back and apologize because that was supposed to be the right thing to do. So I guess it is good that they had to give the money from the first movie back. My teachers definitely would have made them give it back. But I hated that guy, so I did not mean it when I said I was sorry, and later I broke the stuff when he left it out. I did not let anyone know that I did it, just in case my teacher had a speech about that too, and made me say I was sorry again. Anyway I like this movie, but alot of stuff goes by too fast, and it is not as much of a team effort as the last movie. It is still really funny though, and worth watching so I give this movie 3.5 out of 5 stars.

If you like this movie you should watch the first one again.

8 Mile *****

2004-01-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

This is an Eminem movie that stops before it gets to Dr. Dre and his hair is the wrong color. It starts out looking like Rocky, and I thought I was going to see Eminem box Mr. T, but soon he gets up on stage to rap and does nothing. They call him rabbit which explains that Rabbit Run song I heard for awhile. I am not sure why they call him that instead of Eminem. That confused me for awhile. He goes and lives with his mom, and they don't sue each other and she is alot nicer to him than his mom on TV. There is some little girl, but I do not know who she is supposed to be. They say she's his sister, but he treats her like his daughter. He listens to the theme song a lot, but not the whole thing. I think he was writing it while they were making this and they just recorded him when he was riding the bus different places. By the end of the movie he finishes it though. The DVD has some pretty cool extra rap battles too in the special features part, but you have to fast forward a bunch to get there.

Anyway this movie was real cool and I like Eminem, it has a good story that can help me at work if someone makes fun of me because I can just rap at them about anything I want even myself and they will go away. Also he finally finished the song he had been working on the whole movie, so I give this movie 5 out of 5 stars.

If you like this movie watch Saturday Night Fever because it is real cool and the story is the same but with disco instead of hip-hop.